Blog #5

     I try not to live in my pain. I try not to make it my whole experience. When I look at what the doctors have diagnosed me with, I find it hard to believe it is me. But, the truth really is that I feel like my body has given up on me. I live with my pets and have only one friend where I live. I live very isolated.  Doing this assignment has really hit me with the truth that I deal with.  I know I am not any fun to the people that were my friends.  My pain has cost me my friends, my spouse and makes me feel ashamed that I have to count on medication for my pain.
Today has been a good day. I planted over 200 flower bulbs, and my back and knee were giving me problems. I came in the house, sat for a minute and the pain lessened to where I didn't need anything for pain. I count my days by hoping for the good days when Idont have to take anything. I don't want to get addicted to my meds.
2] I usually only think about the pain when it gets real bad.  I don't think about everything that is wrong with my body as that would only cause other problems.  Other people will mention their pain and I feel bad for them. I know what they are going through but, I don't mention my own issues. Nobody really wants to hear about anothers health issues, and, I am much more than a person in pain, I really think I can be interesting more so without burdening others or turning off the people I interact with.
When in public I am careful in what chair I sit in, what I eat and what I say.
When in pain, all I think about is how to stop it. My back aches so bad I can feel it down to my knees. My knees are bone on bone and need to be replaced. When my knees are rough at the same time as the back,. the pain radiates all the way down my legs. I also have diabetic neuropathy which also gives problems in my feet. I have also been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, which can cause pain in my whole body, so when all act up at the same time, I take my pain meds and crawl into bed, waiting for them to begin to work.
Mentally., I do get depressed but my doctor has me on Effexor which he said is for depression but is also used with people with fibromyalgia, so, I would be much worse without.  I had an incident two years ago when I was found in a coma and had been in one for several days before found. The cause of the coma was related to being in pain and feeling depressed. After that, I had a real difficult finding a new doctor. Because of the pain and need for meds, most of them didn't want to deal with me. Thankfully, I did find a doctor who takes his time and really listens.
An example for this week is that I was not able to go to church as I was hurting and the meds didn't kick in, in time. If I am already hurting, I am worried that it could get worse when I get to where I am going.
     The pain stops me from interacting with others, or, I make it as short of an interaction as possible. I know this contributes to my isolation and I am aware that I really need to do something about this.

3]
         Sometimes it isn't until the middle of the day that I realize I am having a pain free day. On those days, I just want to do something, anything.  Wishing I had more friends to visit, to pass the time with. I usually just go outside and mess around in the garden, but, I still feel that not only is the pain missing but the isolation feels even stronger and I wonder if any of it will really change. When I have a pain free day, I have a tough time believing that it could ever be permanent.  I also miss working and on those good days, I even dream of going back to work.
4]
I don't know ahead of time when I am going to have a good or bad day. Each day goes by with me feeling like it is all the same. I forget what day I am on and have to check on the television or computer to figure out what day it is. I don't feel like I can make any plans to do anything or any socializing because I just don't know how I am going to feel that day. I make lame excuses as to why I cant make it because I don't want to bore people with my issues. I want to appear as normal as a person can be at my age.  I continue to be controlled by how my body feels when it wakes up in the morning.
5]  Internally, I relate best to the person not in chronic pain. Unfortunately, as I struggle to be in my preferred mode of relating, I begin to feel severe pain that brings me back to my reality. It is a very difficult battle  If I do have plans, I will take my pain meds as soon as I wake up, and make sure I have some with me.  These will get me through whatever I am involved in. I just wish I could function without the meds.
6]  If there was a med that could give me back my day, I would plan a big day in advance. I am not sure I would check to see the efficacy or safety of the med.,  I would just like the chance to feel normal and participate in some of the activities I have had to give  up.  If a med stated it could give me back my life, I would suspiciously wonder what the trade off was. I would want to know what the other costs to me was. I don't know what I would do if a med would give me back my life but there were trade offs such as loss of years, or other side effects.
At the most, I would like to try to have a day without pain, just to see what that was like,. but. I think I am too leary to try a med stating to give you back your pain free life. I just wouldn't trust it until I read long term reviews about the medication. Right now, pain has become so much of who I am, I don't remember who I was before it.